The Flu and Things I Bet You
Never Knew
The flu season is upon us and this year, we, the
unsuspecting healthy, hypocondriatic public, may be
cut down to size from the pesky flu bug if we aren't careful. Here are some
FAQ's (That's Frequently Asked Questions. I'm noting
that here because it took me a couple of cyber years to figure out just what
FAQ meant) to help get you through the flu season
1.
Q). Can
You Get The Flu From Getting A Flu Shot?
A.) There is no live virus in the vaccine so you can't
get the flu from the vaccine. The live virus has been extracted and taken to
the wood shed for a whooping. It is only possible to catch the flu from flu
shot if the flu-shotologist breathes on you, licks
your face or offers to exchange bodily fluids while administering the shot.
However, an individual may experience flu like symptoms such as a sore throat
from screaming when the flu-shotologist doesn't
complete the shot in one complete, quick motion. Or if a dull
needle is used.
2.
Q.) Who
Should Get A Flu Shot?
A.) Anyone who wants to minimize his or her chances of
getting the flu may want to get a shot. If in doubt, a physician should be
consulted. But before you consult a physician, check his/her stock profile and
make sure they are not invested in things like flu drugs, syringes, cotton
swabs and Band-Aids. A heavily invested Doctor is going to push the flu shot
like nobody's business. There is no such thing as a series of flu shots, as a
Doctor may suggest. One flu shot per year per person is all that is necessary.
3.
Q.) Do
Some People Already Have Flu Immunity?
A.) No, flu immunity is not a given. It must be earned
by winning the Flu Immunity Challenge. Then you are exempt from the flu for the
next three days.
4.
Q.) Where
Can People Get Flu Shots?
A.) Private
physicians, city and county health departments and healthcare professionals at
an onsite wellness center near you can provide the shots. Often, the local
5.
Q.) Where
Should People Not Get Shots?
A.) That is a very good question. Most people ask where to get
shots but almost never ask where to NOT get shots. Here are a few places to
avoid. Never get flu shot from a guy working out of the back of van. His price
might be right but chances are he has only one syringe. Never get a flu shot
from a door to door flu shot salesman. He just has a quota to fill and chances
are you'll never see that set of encyclopedias he promised to throw in as part
of the deal. No matter what the HamBurgler may tell
you, no reputable fast food restaurant will offer a flu shot as part of a Value
Meal. Nor will they ever administer flu shots at the drive through window.
Never get flu shot in your big toe. You probably won't get athletes feet but
your chances of avoiding the flu are pretty much done.
6. Q.) Is There AnyThing
Else I Can Do To Prevent The Pesky Flu Bug From Biting Me?
There is a home remedy you can try but this has not
been sanctioned by the AMA, Martha Stewart or Emeril Lagasse. Cut up half-a-dozen cloves of garlic and sauté' in
oil, being careful not to let them burn. Add a quart of stock (such as beef),
and let it come to a boil for just a few moments. Then lower the heat. Separate
two eggs, put one in the living room and one in the dinning room, and then add
the whites to the hot liquid, stirring rapidly. Mix the yolks with two
tablespoons of vinegar and then pour them in. Add salt and pepper if you want
and some croutons, if handy. Bacon bits can be a nice touch also. Once the old
flu bug dips into this culinary mess they will gladly go someplace else in
search of a decent meal and leave you alone.
7.
Q.) Is
There AnyThing Else I Can Do To Avoid The Flu?
A.) There is one other way to help avoid the flu. Wear
a necklace of garlic for the duration of the flu season. No One will come near
enough to breathe or sneeze all over you. However, be careful walking by a
pizza place. The aromatic garlic smell may be overwhelming for the cook. You
may find yourself tossed to the ground and covered in pizza sauce, cheese and
anchovies. For some of you, that could be a dream come
true. For others it may be just another pizza-related assault.
8.
Q.) How
Can I Tell If I Have The Flu?
A.) Flu symptoms may include, but are not necessarily
limited to: fever, chills, loss of appetite, assorted body aches, sore throat,
dry cough, pukiness (dry, imagined or real), fever,
runny nose and loss of interest in Jerry Springer, Rickie Lake, Sally Jesse
Raphael and Jenny Jones.
9. Q.) What Should I Do If I Get The Flu?
A.) Get
plenty of rest and drink lots of fluids. One of those fluids can be OJ, diced and
squeezed but not sliced, with additives with an octane rating of 80 proof and
above. The flu symptoms won't subside but for a few hours you won't care if you
have the flu or not. Have plenty of tissues handy in case your nose turns into Farrah Fawcett and drips constantly. Monitor your
temperature every few hours. Be sure you use an oral thermometer. You know
where the other kind has been. Enough said.
Hopefully, these questions and answers will help get
you through the current flu season.
Colleen A. Kelley Ó 2001